Last Wednesday was a very special day. A tingling, happy sense of anticipation. It's almost like Christmas!

That day was the day when our new stove was scheduled to arrive.

You are thinking: Wow, how do you swing? It is impossible to buy electrical appliances now.

It is true. We started the adoption process a few months ago. You must be interviewed to make sure you are worthy, because now they will not hand out stoves to everyone. Oh, how they bake us.

"Can you guarantee not to use the self-cleaning function as an excuse not to scrape off the cheese falling off the pizza?" Why, of course. "Will you make sure that the clock is always set correctly?" No doubt. "Will you use high-grade stainless steel cleaners instead of cheap abrasives?" Yes!

Then someone comes to your house to see where the stove will live. They made some notes, and you want to know what they were thinking-did they notice the fancy recipes we introduced and thought we were posing? Honestly, we think this will make the stove feel at home. Please! We are good people. Ahhh, it's time to put away the hot dog buns, it makes us look ordinary.

Well, we passed the test and were approved to use a furnace. There is only one problem: no.

It's not here anyway. They all float on the Pacific Ocean. What? Did the ship hit an iceberg? No, they are on the ship, but the ship cannot enter the port. Even if it can, no one unloads them and drives the equipment here, and then no one drives them to your home.

But when we received the message, everything changed: it had arrived. It will come to our house in six weeks.

Now this day has arrived. I received a text message from the courier saying that they will be around 8 to 11 o'clock. I hope it will come sooner rather than later, because experience tells me that things will always go wrong. When we got the refrigerator not long ago, they had to remove the door from the hinge. Because I bought it on the "Doorbuster Sale", I shouldn't be surprised.

For a while we had to replace our washing machine because it became unbalanced. What I mean by "unbalanced" refers to one of those machines connected to the Internet and somehow attracted to the QAnon website. The delivery drivers missed a key part, which they blamed on the idiots in the warehouse. They seem to be angry with me too, because I live in a house on the top of the mountain with many steps. What were you thinking about when you bought this place, man?

In any case, 8 o'clock in the morning passed, and 9 o'clock in the morning passed. This means that we may not be able to complete the installation before 11 o'clock. They would show up at 10:59, wander around the kitchen for an hour, muttering, and then call me at a certain point: "You need a wangulator to connect it to your hithamawachit. The idiot in the warehouse didn't send anyone over. But we may have one on the truck."

They always do this. They have everything in the truck. Hey, as long as you are going to the truck, can you give me a Faberge Egg and Shakespeare First Folio? they have.

It is 10:58, and I am a little angry: it will take a whole day. Come and go at noon. Did I miss a call?

I checked the phone: an unknown number has been muted. Do not! I miss them. They believe that, as one might imagine, the person who paid for the stove and responded to the "confirmed" delivery text message forgot all this, so they could push it away from the back of the truck and move on to the next job.

But this is a spam call. Wow. But now we have entered the realm of reasonable annoyance, but this is not something you can express. You can say rude things to your spouse, but not the installer. Put it this way: I will not be angry with those who come to connect gas appliances. "He is a good guy, make sure all the hoses are super tight" is the attitude I want to create.

At 2 o'clock in the afternoon, there was no one. At 2:30, the dog went crazy. Ah, here they are. ...Then I heard the jingle and realized it was the postman. Maybe the delivery person is old school and sends messages by registered mail? No, it's a letter from the cremation company. Don't rush me, guys. Not a good day.

At 4 pm, I thought maybe if I lay down and took a nap, I would call them. At 5 pm, I sent them a message about rescheduling. It never answered.

Now full of anger and anxiety, I drove to the store that sold me the oven and explained the situation. Guys look at their computer screens and find out the problem.

The oven is still on the boat somewhere. Estimated arrival time: mid-January. Because of the new coronavirus.

"But I was vaccinated," I protested.

Of course, I don’t have my booster, so I think it’s all my fault.

james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • Twitter: @Lileks • facebook.com/james.lileks

James Lileks is a columnist for the Tribune Star. 

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